Love Letters - 0016

Good afternoon:

I was informed that you wished to speak to the manager, and I have made myself available to you this day to discuss your concerns. Thank you for bringing these issues to my attention, and I will do my best to address the aforementioned grievances in previous missives. It has come to my attention that my existence has wrought havoc upon your daily thoughts, considerations, plans, and potential possibilities of simulated outcomes. I recognize the inconvenience my conventionally attractive body has plagued you with, and the dark thoughts that have begun to invade your twilight hours preluding rest. I acknowledge the discomfort and pain with which my very being has haunted your every daydream, lucid musing, dream, and nightmare. I have discussed the matter with my peers as I take this matter very seriously, and am pleased to report that a potentially agreeable solution may be on the horizon. The finest minds have chimed in on this matter, and we have full and complete confidence in your recovery, dear customer. Though it seems like no progress has been made from your perspective, I can assure you that much has happened on our end to address these very serious unintended consequences with our product. We hope one of the following, or a combination of these options, would suffice in relieving your ailing. 1. Remove any and all visual reminders of my visage, memory, associated tie, gifts, and pleasant memento from sight. 2. Discard any and all tangible items and accessories that were included with the initial setup. 3. Consolidate any and all documented shared experiences including celebrations, personal achievements, milestones, and significant occurrences for the ownership of the product and shred it. 4. Upon shredding the aforementioned objects, douse them in a combustible liquid and allow to soak thoroughly. Set it alight. 5. Once thoroughly charred and disintegrated, grind down any remaining clumps with a mortar and pestle. 6. Dispose of the byproducts in an unmarked undisclosed location of no importance; if you cannot trust yourself to do this without applying significance, we offer services to dispose of such pesky inconveniences at a prorated rate. Your well-being is of the utmost importance, and we shall discretely note the nature of how intensely deceptive and addictive our product is for future consumers that our asses be legally covered, and ensure future unobstructed profit. Cheers!