Love Letters - 0007

I had not realized how deeply you had crept into my heart over the past decade and on. It was a small seed I dismissed as barren and would never be more than platonic; how wrong I came to be. I will move on in time; I had been in denial of the possibility I felt this way for so long, that I recognize how much work I have ahead to put these sentiments behind me. When you love somebody, you gift them your time, love, affection, support. When you love somebody, you remember they are reactively allergic to red dye no. 40 and avoid gifting them such items that would contain it. When you love somebody, you take special note of their favorite foods, and take the time to show up with their digestive supplements so they enjoy their creamy dessert in comfort. When you love somebody, you attend their professional functions when invited as a platonic friend to support them. When you love somebody, you make them soup when they are sick with COVID, and drop it off on their porch just because you want to do everything possible to demonstrate care when they cannot help themselves. When you love somebody, anyone who interrupts them is an unwelcome interloper because you really want to hear them tell the story.

When you love somebody, you are present and comfort them through the loss of their most beloved pet, and make them an album of their beautiful memories. When you love somebody, you think of about every little detail that could possibly mean something to them for a Cameo video on their birthday just to hear them laugh. When you love somebody, you stay up late with them working on a prop for their spouse, because it would break your heart to not come through for them. When you love somebody with all of yourself, sometimes you really do not recognize when you are the frog being slow-boiled in the water from platonic into romantic love.

When you love somebody, you show up to their graduation and celebrate their marvelous achievements and ask for copies of their thesis. When you love somebody, you spend hours and hours talking to them every single day during graduate school, because their presence sparks a joy so innate that you cannot help but feel light around them. When you love somebody and you see them mistreated, your blood boils over and a festering anger takes root against their offenders. When you love somebody, you are honest with them, even if there is a risk they come to despise you. When you love somebody, you put it all on the line because you cannot live without finding out if there is even a chance they would return your feelings. When you love somebody and they make you feel like you are safe enough to completely surrender yourself, there is no greater comfort.

The air around around you is sweeter, and your smile illuminates my heart. Your voice is a sweet soothing chorus that is a delight to hear --- at least, it used to be. I loved who you were more than my reputation and myself, but I no longer recognize you as age, life, bitterness, pain, and lack of affection has poisoned you. I will miss who you used to be, and mourn who you have become. I am sorry it could not work out, and I understand. I understand. When you love somebody and realize you became nothing more than a useful convenience, the pain enough to unmake you.